Oh the distractions...

Enough is enough, time to crack down again. I have been eating OK, not perfect but I didn't go straight to hell. I need to get back into working out and eating healthy. It can be so hard when it is SO cold!! The last thing I want to do is strip down to exercise clothes and work out, plus nothing say toasty on a cold night like some home made comfort food...enough with the excuses.

I plan on ordering a new work out video that's all about walking off the weight, I hope to be able to get out and actually walk within the next 10 or 12 weeks! (Lets hope that little bastard groundhog was right, or I will be gunning for him!) The snowshoes are fun but they sit in the corner as I type this feeling sullen. Its too darn cold to venture out! This winter has just been a cluster of snow, cold and suck! (Booo) I now have a goal set to lost 15 lbs by my birthday, May 17. I think that is reasonable and attainable. I need to start focusing on my health so I can be the best mommy I can be for a VERY long time!

OK here goes....time to make it so number one!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I have been busting my hump trying to count every calorie I put in my mouth, peeing every three seconds from all the water I have been drinking. I have been trying to work out as often as I can and today I nervously weighed in annnnd...(drum roll) ONE POUND! SERIOUSLY!?!?!??!?!?!? ARGH!

OK, here goes, I am going to plan to work out like a maniac this week! Yoga, snowshoe, YBB and anything else I can think of! I have very discouraged but I REFUSE to give up. I DO feel better and am very motivated to continue!

THIS WILL NOT BRING ME DOWN!!!!!

All I do is pee!

It seems if I am not logging my calories I am peeing like a pregnant woman these days! I have been having a very easy time staying within my calories and not feeling hungry at the end of the day. My energy level has certainly not picked up the way that I had hopped it would. I think this may, in part be due to a couple of off nights that I am not easily rebounding from. Having Izzy home sick yesterday and both kids home today due to the snow really tends to take its toll. I feel like I haven't been enjoying motherhood very much lately. I always love my kids but lately I cant even ask people to put their coats on without being screamed at and treated like crap. I never, EVER expected to deal with this kind of treatment from my kids but if its not all about them than I am the first to be told what a crappy mother I am and how selfish I am...too bad they got such a terrible mother...I think that this could describe my lack of energy and crabbiness. They can't play a simple game together without arguing and fighting....ok enough.

I am very proud of myself for sticking with my workouts and keeping up with my water and calories. I know that it will all start coming together soon and I will start SEEING the fruits of my labor! I am looking forward to getting a chance to get out and use my new snowshoes! I guess all of this snow will surely be good for that! I am still looking for a treadmill, even if I could find one to borrow until spring! I hate walking on this road with the snowbanks making the roads more narrow and people driving like maniacs! I do have Dad and Charlotte's trampoline maybe I should put that in the living room and give it a go...

I will plan to look into the 30 day shred that Michelle told me about but I am a little nervous at my level of readiness for something like that...I just wish this were EASY! GAH! Oh well if it were easy than we would all be a size 6!

Guess this isn't my most warm fuzzy entry to date but I hope to see things start looking up soon!

woke up this morning feeling almost half human, could it be that eating in a healthy and balanced way can attribute to deleting that inner demon who inhibits me from waking up on the proverbial right side of the bed? Whatever the cause it felt good to have a productive morning despite the crabs and cries of a sleepy and slightly ill 5 year old. Although, I don't have much hope in ever being a "morning person" it certainly would be helpful to be at least functional...yes, that is my goal, to put the FUN in functionality...

So the goal for this actual day would be getting in an actual work out. I say 'actual' because I don't think I can get away with drumming up the 3+ minute youtube video of Napoleon Dynamite's dance scene over and over while trying, unsuccessfully to learn the dance. I'm not sure why but this has been an obsession since the first time I watched the movie all those years ago and with bulging baby belly, it just didn't quite seem like the time...but NOW, whats holding me back? Humility would be a good argument but we will address this at a later time. So for today I believe it will be yoga booty ballet, the annoyingly fun art of burlesque/yoga dancing to which I have become quite good.

I have missed writing and am enjoying this almost as much as the prospect of having my old body back! I hope you all have a wonderful day full of whatever makes you happy!

Peace & Love

on the road again...

here goes round 2! (insert sexy ho with 'ROUND 2' sign) It has been a year...a loooonnng year, much has happened in my life! I have learned a great deal about myself and my weaknesses! I always knew I was an emotional eater but who knew how bad that could get?! (and boy did it get BAD!)

I have had enough with being fat, yes, call me negative, self abusive - lets call it like it is. REALITY! I am FAT and I do not like it. I do not feel healthy and I do not feel like I am being a productive member of this family. I want to live a long and healthy life, teach my kids that while it may be warm and cozy to sit inside and watch movies together it is A LOT more positive for us to go outside and go sledding, build a snowman or go snowshoeing! I love my kids more than my own life and it is time for me to push myself closer to the front of that line.

I am trying to be very aware of not only WHAT I put in my mouth but how much and how fast! I am trying to consciously put the fork down between bites and keeping track of my servings and calories by getting back on track with Sparkpeople.com! If anyone reading this is interested please friend me on there and we can support each other in this lifestyle change! I think I have talked Tim into doing it with me but he seems a little reluctant. I hope I can encourage him to take a few minutes a day to log his food on the website and to get a little more exercise in. I feel like doing it together will raise our chances of success greatly!

I know that this is (had to delete a 'just' there. BE POSITIVE) my first official day back on the road to health and happiness but I am very hopeful. I have such a hard time waking up in the morning, no energy and little motivation. I get short of breath doing the littlest things. Putting on shoes, walking up the stairs....I am 31, this needs to stop NOW or I will not live to see my children make their own happy futures! I will try hard to love myself enough to LIVE!

POSITIVITY
LOVE
RESPECT
ENERGY
HEALTH
MOTIVATION

these are all words that I need to work towards!

Keep on keepin on

I AM still on track I just have been busy as hell and have been awful about sticking to my commitment to blog...tsk tsk.

I have been on the run a lot which has required much eating out, not the greatest way to keep on the path of lighten...ment but it is what it is. I have been careful to get things that I feel are a better choice. Today I started Hip Hop Abs and hated every blessed minute of it! It reaffirms that scary truth that I do NOT have a knack for dancing and or rhythm! I was like a drunk white guy at a singles club with a beer in one hand and pit stains on the under seam of his stained wife beater! SCARY! Still I plugged away and didn't give up....oh how I wanted to!! As part of this torture to my self esteem they also did crunches and push ups it was like nothing I had ever seen though, they use yoga and fuse it with these horrendous twists and bends and in the end the women look like they could easily be put in a box and shipped off to somewhere warm and beautiful where they would wear string bikinis and people would pass out from their goddess like bodies, meanwhile here I am grunting, snorting, sweat dripping down my nose and ass crack, looking more like a turtle that has been flipped over on its shell, legs and arms flailing in a panicked rhythm for fear that I may not be able to ever hoist myself up off the floor and how will I explain to my horrified children when they get home and find me in my sports bra and sweatpants panting on the living room floor?!!!??!? I digress...I WILL promise myself to do this video at least twice a week....I PROMISE!!!!!!!

I am doing well with sticking to my commitment to myself! I WILL stick to my work outs. I WILL do my best to eat right, pay attention to my portions and not be too hard on myself if/when a bad day may arise! I continue to have AMAZING support (despite Tim bringing home cupcakes last night - BAD BOY!!) from my friends and my family and have compliments on how good I am looking!! That feels GREAT!

Cant keep me down!!!

Today I weighed myself, I know - get over it! I have lost 10 lbs!!! Thank God that I did too because yesterday I think I hit rock bottom. I am not sure whats been up lately but there has been some depression. I was so pumped when I started this and I am still motivated I just have this overlying depression that seems to be weighing me down. Yesterday I felt like whatever about life and totally ate to feed the emotions. The more I ate the more I felt like ass! Tim made me talapia, a baked potato and corn for dinner and I think that the wonderful healthy meal helped to boost me back up a little and remind me that just because I took a couple steps in the reverse direction doesn't mean that I cant turn myself back the right way!

Today I continued on with my pitty party with that little inner voice mildly suggesting "you should work out". Boy am I good at ignoring her!! You know that inner struggle?? The little voice says 'you really should...' and then your voice says 'I know already, I will...later' and then a few minutes later, LV 'No, like NOW you should...' feeling more guilty and annoyed you think 'I KNOW, I will do it after the View, those bitches get me all fired up and then I will be ready to do it'!! This is where, for me, I do this total Cybil thing where I am between personalities, its a struggle of epic proportions....the little voice AND my rational self interrupting each other in a battle of wills until I FINALLY (just to shut them both up) pick up the remote and shut off the TV and get up to work out!! Well I did that, and guess what?!?! I felt better. I always set an inner intention...today it was I WILL commit to finish this work out and get back on track!! I am still not 100% sure whats up with this depression crap, is it the world and all its turmoil, winter, my weight, or something else that I am not in touch with at the moment?? I have no idea.

All I know is just because I have a bad day, or a couple bad days doesnt mean that I cant get back up and keep fighting my way forward! I WILL DO THIS!!!!