Keep on keepin on

I AM still on track I just have been busy as hell and have been awful about sticking to my commitment to blog...tsk tsk.

I have been on the run a lot which has required much eating out, not the greatest way to keep on the path of lighten...ment but it is what it is. I have been careful to get things that I feel are a better choice. Today I started Hip Hop Abs and hated every blessed minute of it! It reaffirms that scary truth that I do NOT have a knack for dancing and or rhythm! I was like a drunk white guy at a singles club with a beer in one hand and pit stains on the under seam of his stained wife beater! SCARY! Still I plugged away and didn't give up....oh how I wanted to!! As part of this torture to my self esteem they also did crunches and push ups it was like nothing I had ever seen though, they use yoga and fuse it with these horrendous twists and bends and in the end the women look like they could easily be put in a box and shipped off to somewhere warm and beautiful where they would wear string bikinis and people would pass out from their goddess like bodies, meanwhile here I am grunting, snorting, sweat dripping down my nose and ass crack, looking more like a turtle that has been flipped over on its shell, legs and arms flailing in a panicked rhythm for fear that I may not be able to ever hoist myself up off the floor and how will I explain to my horrified children when they get home and find me in my sports bra and sweatpants panting on the living room floor?!!!??!? I digress...I WILL promise myself to do this video at least twice a week....I PROMISE!!!!!!!

I am doing well with sticking to my commitment to myself! I WILL stick to my work outs. I WILL do my best to eat right, pay attention to my portions and not be too hard on myself if/when a bad day may arise! I continue to have AMAZING support (despite Tim bringing home cupcakes last night - BAD BOY!!) from my friends and my family and have compliments on how good I am looking!! That feels GREAT!

Cant keep me down!!!

Today I weighed myself, I know - get over it! I have lost 10 lbs!!! Thank God that I did too because yesterday I think I hit rock bottom. I am not sure whats been up lately but there has been some depression. I was so pumped when I started this and I am still motivated I just have this overlying depression that seems to be weighing me down. Yesterday I felt like whatever about life and totally ate to feed the emotions. The more I ate the more I felt like ass! Tim made me talapia, a baked potato and corn for dinner and I think that the wonderful healthy meal helped to boost me back up a little and remind me that just because I took a couple steps in the reverse direction doesn't mean that I cant turn myself back the right way!

Today I continued on with my pitty party with that little inner voice mildly suggesting "you should work out". Boy am I good at ignoring her!! You know that inner struggle?? The little voice says 'you really should...' and then your voice says 'I know already, I will...later' and then a few minutes later, LV 'No, like NOW you should...' feeling more guilty and annoyed you think 'I KNOW, I will do it after the View, those bitches get me all fired up and then I will be ready to do it'!! This is where, for me, I do this total Cybil thing where I am between personalities, its a struggle of epic proportions....the little voice AND my rational self interrupting each other in a battle of wills until I FINALLY (just to shut them both up) pick up the remote and shut off the TV and get up to work out!! Well I did that, and guess what?!?! I felt better. I always set an inner intention...today it was I WILL commit to finish this work out and get back on track!! I am still not 100% sure whats up with this depression crap, is it the world and all its turmoil, winter, my weight, or something else that I am not in touch with at the moment?? I have no idea.

All I know is just because I have a bad day, or a couple bad days doesnt mean that I cant get back up and keep fighting my way forward! I WILL DO THIS!!!!

Where'd it go?

Ok has anyone seen my motivation?? I was doing SO good!! What happened?? Where along the line/WHY did I stop the momentum? I lost 6 lbs is that not enough for me to keep pushing? I think I kind of felt stuck in the "if it aint broke, dont fix it" rut. I was eating the SAME thing everyday and doing the SAME exercises everyday...I got bored with it...how do I get back up on the whore...I mean HORSE that is weight loss???!?!?!!

Day: 7 Six punds!

I weighed in today and I lost 6 lbs!! I am very proud of myself! Tim gave me a big hug and told me he was so proud of me. That made me feel great! Busy day today but I will try to find time to write more later!!!

YAY ME!

blogging seems to be the hardest word...

For some reason I am not having nearly as hard a time with the dieting as with doing this blog every day. I am not sure what it is but there is some real resistance to sitting down and journaling. Today I am having a hard over all day. I think there may be a little depression and the urge to snack is there. I havent given in to this urge but I need to acknowledge that I recognize it sitting there. I think I am feeling some resentment towards the process because I feel a little like I am being isolated. Its very hard to take a diet on the road. When I am home I can look at the numbers, calories etc but when I am out and about its hard to know what I am eating and how much of my calories are being used. I know that this is just all in my head, I know that if I go over my calories from going out and about from time to time that the world will not come to a halt. I am really not sure why I put all of this pressure on myself. I know that by having a treat or going over in my calories will not automatically put all of the weight back on or make me have to start over from point A but sometimes its hard to remember this logic.

This time of the year is always a hard one for me so I am not surprised by my moodiness, not that it makes it any easier to deal with. I just need to keep busy and keep my head up. I know I am doing a great job and I cant wait tomorrow to see how much I have lost!

Day 6: Being at peace

I am back into the swing of things and I feel better today. I actually did almost an hour of exercise this morning! I am feeling like its getting so much easier to do it, I am not feeling fatigued after! When I logged my fitness numbers today SP told me that I was way over my goal calories burned and that I needed to re-enter my weekly goals. I really don't know how to realistically do that. This week I have been able to focus a lot on exercise and burning calories but other weeks I wont be able to do that. I hate to alter my goals. I mean sometimes I know I can do more but I feel like I have a good average in there.

I am so looking forward to spring/summer when I can be outside more! I miss taking walks and going swimming! I think we may be considering one of those inexpensive pools for this summer which would be awesome for the whole family! The kids and I love to swim and would spend most of our time in it! I am still looking forward to my Friday weigh in. I feel like I am noticing subtle differences in my body but no where near what I WANT to see. I keep forgetting it hasn't even been a week! It feels like I have been working at this for a long time but 5 days into it I FEEL so much better! I have tons more energy and I am not getting winded!! Tim got me a temper pedic pillow last night, per the advice of my chiropractor, and I slept SO much better with it! I am looking forward to another great nights sleep! While I am still a little bit on the high of all of this I am feeling very much at peace within myself. I feel like I have a lot of control over my body and that is a very new feeling. I absolutely love yoga and how it makes me feel! I haven't even needed to make another appt with my chiropractor and I was going 2x/week!

A day of rest

Today I took a rest. I didnt do any working out beyond my daily activities/housework etc. I have had a hard time not feeling guilty about this. I think I felt a little depressed and droopy, looking back I wish I had taken a 15 or 20 minute walk around outside, that might have made me feel a little better. I did awesome breaking up my calories better today and actually didnt feel hungry at all.

I am noticing that I am not sleeping as well as I used to but I am wondering if its from consuming so many calories at dinner/evening time. I read something today that said that when you eat before bed, even though you may feel tired your digestive system needs lots of energy to properly function so it can cause fitful sleep....this all makes sense. I am actually looking forward to my YBB tomorrow, who would have thought that I would be kind of addicted to working out and sweating my butt off?? Off to bed for now but I am hopeful for a productive and positive day tomorrow!!!