Keep on keepin on

I AM still on track I just have been busy as hell and have been awful about sticking to my commitment to blog...tsk tsk.

I have been on the run a lot which has required much eating out, not the greatest way to keep on the path of lighten...ment but it is what it is. I have been careful to get things that I feel are a better choice. Today I started Hip Hop Abs and hated every blessed minute of it! It reaffirms that scary truth that I do NOT have a knack for dancing and or rhythm! I was like a drunk white guy at a singles club with a beer in one hand and pit stains on the under seam of his stained wife beater! SCARY! Still I plugged away and didn't give up....oh how I wanted to!! As part of this torture to my self esteem they also did crunches and push ups it was like nothing I had ever seen though, they use yoga and fuse it with these horrendous twists and bends and in the end the women look like they could easily be put in a box and shipped off to somewhere warm and beautiful where they would wear string bikinis and people would pass out from their goddess like bodies, meanwhile here I am grunting, snorting, sweat dripping down my nose and ass crack, looking more like a turtle that has been flipped over on its shell, legs and arms flailing in a panicked rhythm for fear that I may not be able to ever hoist myself up off the floor and how will I explain to my horrified children when they get home and find me in my sports bra and sweatpants panting on the living room floor?!!!??!? I digress...I WILL promise myself to do this video at least twice a week....I PROMISE!!!!!!!

I am doing well with sticking to my commitment to myself! I WILL stick to my work outs. I WILL do my best to eat right, pay attention to my portions and not be too hard on myself if/when a bad day may arise! I continue to have AMAZING support (despite Tim bringing home cupcakes last night - BAD BOY!!) from my friends and my family and have compliments on how good I am looking!! That feels GREAT!

Cant keep me down!!!

Today I weighed myself, I know - get over it! I have lost 10 lbs!!! Thank God that I did too because yesterday I think I hit rock bottom. I am not sure whats been up lately but there has been some depression. I was so pumped when I started this and I am still motivated I just have this overlying depression that seems to be weighing me down. Yesterday I felt like whatever about life and totally ate to feed the emotions. The more I ate the more I felt like ass! Tim made me talapia, a baked potato and corn for dinner and I think that the wonderful healthy meal helped to boost me back up a little and remind me that just because I took a couple steps in the reverse direction doesn't mean that I cant turn myself back the right way!

Today I continued on with my pitty party with that little inner voice mildly suggesting "you should work out". Boy am I good at ignoring her!! You know that inner struggle?? The little voice says 'you really should...' and then your voice says 'I know already, I will...later' and then a few minutes later, LV 'No, like NOW you should...' feeling more guilty and annoyed you think 'I KNOW, I will do it after the View, those bitches get me all fired up and then I will be ready to do it'!! This is where, for me, I do this total Cybil thing where I am between personalities, its a struggle of epic proportions....the little voice AND my rational self interrupting each other in a battle of wills until I FINALLY (just to shut them both up) pick up the remote and shut off the TV and get up to work out!! Well I did that, and guess what?!?! I felt better. I always set an inner intention...today it was I WILL commit to finish this work out and get back on track!! I am still not 100% sure whats up with this depression crap, is it the world and all its turmoil, winter, my weight, or something else that I am not in touch with at the moment?? I have no idea.

All I know is just because I have a bad day, or a couple bad days doesnt mean that I cant get back up and keep fighting my way forward! I WILL DO THIS!!!!

Where'd it go?

Ok has anyone seen my motivation?? I was doing SO good!! What happened?? Where along the line/WHY did I stop the momentum? I lost 6 lbs is that not enough for me to keep pushing? I think I kind of felt stuck in the "if it aint broke, dont fix it" rut. I was eating the SAME thing everyday and doing the SAME exercises everyday...I got bored with it...how do I get back up on the whore...I mean HORSE that is weight loss???!?!?!!

Day: 7 Six punds!

I weighed in today and I lost 6 lbs!! I am very proud of myself! Tim gave me a big hug and told me he was so proud of me. That made me feel great! Busy day today but I will try to find time to write more later!!!

YAY ME!

blogging seems to be the hardest word...

For some reason I am not having nearly as hard a time with the dieting as with doing this blog every day. I am not sure what it is but there is some real resistance to sitting down and journaling. Today I am having a hard over all day. I think there may be a little depression and the urge to snack is there. I havent given in to this urge but I need to acknowledge that I recognize it sitting there. I think I am feeling some resentment towards the process because I feel a little like I am being isolated. Its very hard to take a diet on the road. When I am home I can look at the numbers, calories etc but when I am out and about its hard to know what I am eating and how much of my calories are being used. I know that this is just all in my head, I know that if I go over my calories from going out and about from time to time that the world will not come to a halt. I am really not sure why I put all of this pressure on myself. I know that by having a treat or going over in my calories will not automatically put all of the weight back on or make me have to start over from point A but sometimes its hard to remember this logic.

This time of the year is always a hard one for me so I am not surprised by my moodiness, not that it makes it any easier to deal with. I just need to keep busy and keep my head up. I know I am doing a great job and I cant wait tomorrow to see how much I have lost!

Day 6: Being at peace

I am back into the swing of things and I feel better today. I actually did almost an hour of exercise this morning! I am feeling like its getting so much easier to do it, I am not feeling fatigued after! When I logged my fitness numbers today SP told me that I was way over my goal calories burned and that I needed to re-enter my weekly goals. I really don't know how to realistically do that. This week I have been able to focus a lot on exercise and burning calories but other weeks I wont be able to do that. I hate to alter my goals. I mean sometimes I know I can do more but I feel like I have a good average in there.

I am so looking forward to spring/summer when I can be outside more! I miss taking walks and going swimming! I think we may be considering one of those inexpensive pools for this summer which would be awesome for the whole family! The kids and I love to swim and would spend most of our time in it! I am still looking forward to my Friday weigh in. I feel like I am noticing subtle differences in my body but no where near what I WANT to see. I keep forgetting it hasn't even been a week! It feels like I have been working at this for a long time but 5 days into it I FEEL so much better! I have tons more energy and I am not getting winded!! Tim got me a temper pedic pillow last night, per the advice of my chiropractor, and I slept SO much better with it! I am looking forward to another great nights sleep! While I am still a little bit on the high of all of this I am feeling very much at peace within myself. I feel like I have a lot of control over my body and that is a very new feeling. I absolutely love yoga and how it makes me feel! I haven't even needed to make another appt with my chiropractor and I was going 2x/week!

A day of rest

Today I took a rest. I didnt do any working out beyond my daily activities/housework etc. I have had a hard time not feeling guilty about this. I think I felt a little depressed and droopy, looking back I wish I had taken a 15 or 20 minute walk around outside, that might have made me feel a little better. I did awesome breaking up my calories better today and actually didnt feel hungry at all.

I am noticing that I am not sleeping as well as I used to but I am wondering if its from consuming so many calories at dinner/evening time. I read something today that said that when you eat before bed, even though you may feel tired your digestive system needs lots of energy to properly function so it can cause fitful sleep....this all makes sense. I am actually looking forward to my YBB tomorrow, who would have thought that I would be kind of addicted to working out and sweating my butt off?? Off to bed for now but I am hopeful for a productive and positive day tomorrow!!!

A balancing act...

I went to the doctor today and according to their scale I weigh 223lbs! Thats 10 less then where I started, however, I am aware that there may be a difference in our scales so I will just have to hold my breath until Fri! I still feel good at the thought of that being a reality! I am working so hard! I am realizing that I need to work on balancing out my calories better! Today was a busy day and I didn't eat enough calories during the day so by 4pm I was exhausted, run down and moody...not to mention hungry! I also didn't get my full 8 cups of water in, only 5. I made sure that I made time to work out though!

I am noticing that after I workout sometimes I feel jittery like I just drank coffee...is this normal? Do other people feel like that? I personally hate it because I have a severe anxiety disorder and I stay away from caffeine as much as possible to avoid that feeling so I am hoping that it will subside soon! I have decided to take tomorrow off from my Yoga Booty and maybe even cut that back to 3-4 times a week and then do the regular yoga probably everyday. My body needs a little break from the hard workout everyday. I love that I am burning so many calories but if my body doesnt have time to rest up I am afraid I may wear myself out.

I am exhausted tonight. Goodnight world.

Day 3: So far so good!

So far I am right on track! I have exercised each day and I am eating between 1,260 - 1,500 calories a day, last night I even had to eat MORE to reach the 1260!! I am becoming very aware of when I am feeling hungry that I feed my body something helpful to my body. I have been doing great drinking my 8 cups a day of water thanks to crystal light!

Today we had 2 cord of wood delivered, I prepared my body with an energizing yoga and then spent an hour and a half stacking/throwing and picking up wood so far today I have burned 1200 calories!! I am beyond proud of myself! I am beginning to understand what all those numbers REALLY stand for on the nutrition facts chart and I can feel my body loosening up from all of the yoga! I think that overall I am in MUCH better spirits, I am not finding myself idle as much as last week and I am a good, healthy tired at bedtime!

I am having to be mindful of not getting caught up in the weighing and critiquing myself physically in the mirror. I know that its my anorexic mind talking but I am trying not to be frustrated that my pants aren't fitting more loosely. I understand that losing weight quickly hasn't worked for me in the past, it wasn't healthy nor did it last and when I would gain back I tended to gain MORE! Tim is taking us all out to dinner tonight and I am feeling very confident that I can make wise choices for my remaining 990 calories. I do have a feeling that this will be my first day where I get close to the high end of my goal but I am trying not to be upset about that since a goal is a goal and as long as I am inside of that range I will be healthy.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am beyond excited to start SEEING the changes that I can already feel in my body but any GREAT thing is worth waiting for!

FYI

I HATE WATER!!! GAH! 2 cups down 6 to go.....I......can..............dooo......it.........gotta pee.

No weigh Jose!

I know I am not supposed to weigh in everyday.....but I did today and it actually says I lost 1lb! Is that possible? 1lb in only 24 HOURS?!?!? OK OK I know, don't get too excited since I know the theory is you only weigh in once a week because you can fluctuate but that felt pretty good! I am going to TRY REALLY HARD to not weigh myself daily....(or multiple times a day)...hey old habits die hard! I think my goal is for Friday to be my weigh in day....I will need support on this because I can get obsessed with the scales. Today I woke up and I actually didn't feel like ass! WOW that's what that feels like?!?! I LIKE IT! I was ready and raring to go! I ate my breakfast, ACTUALLY measuring out a cup of cereal and realized that its MORE then what I usually have! Yay for my belly! I also just finished my 33 mins of Yoga Booty Ballet workout. Today I felt a little more wore out after then yesterday but I stuck with it and now feel really energized! I am proud of myself for doing it even though the kids are home. I sent them upstairs to watch a show and told them that mommy needed a half hour for HERSELF and guess what?? Their little heads didn't explode, no one cried or fainted the world continues to turn....who knew it was so easy to do something for myself?!!?

I am really determined to keep up this enthusiasm even though I know there will be good days and bad days. I will feel great and ready to jump in head first some days and others I will want to pull the covers over my head but I am committed to pushing myself on the days where I feel like giving up even if that means logging onto SP and reading other peoples success stories! I KNOW that I can do this! I WILL do this!

FALSE ADVERTISING!!

HOLY GOD!! I just calculated all of my calories for the day (How wonderfully easy and painless on sparkpeople!!), I had a small bowl of honey bunches of oats with almonds and 1% milk for breakfast....very good....a big salad with cukes, feta cheese (a wee bit) and some croutons with water to drink for lunch I am well within my caloric intake goal for the day but sweet Mary mother of god the damn Kens HEALTHY Options Ranch dressing was 31.7% of my total intake for the day!!!! I guess you really cant always believe what the package says! I am in total shock of that since I always buy the fat free/lite/low fat options on everything....OH THE LIES!

Meanwhile I have surpassed my daily goal of minutes exercised and calories burned I burned 382 today and the goal was 270 AND I was planning on doing my yoga tonight before bed!!! I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!! This website is like having a best friend who can guide you and push you and reward you for your efforts!

*pat on the back*

Day 1: commitment

Hello my name is April and I am obese....that sure doesn't make me feel more inspired but they say that the first step in getting sober is to admit that you have a problem. Well I DO have a problem, I am not a druggie, not an alcoholic, not addicted to porn, gambling or sex...I am addicted to comforting myself in very self destructive ways, what can I say some people have a blankie, a stuffed animal, not me I am a nail biting, over eating, cutter from the hood. I know, I know this is no laughing matter - I SHOULD NOT make light of this serious issue but for me if I don't laugh if I don't make light of it then I fear the outcome. I have worked very hard on a lot of my 'issues' and am proud to say that I have not cut or done any physically self harm in over 4 years! (I acknowledge myself) People always say that they don't know how anyone could do that, they assume that you must be suicidal why else would you want to cut/hurt yourself?? Try this on for size haters - YOU all have your vices too! Do you overeat? Do you chew your nails, are you addicted to booze, the internet, gambling, church etc? WHY do YOU do this? Because, in a lot of cases, it gets your mind OFF of something that is bothering you, helps relieve your stress its a quick and easy fix. Well when you are in so much emotional pain and anguish and you hate yourself on a level that you cant understand sometimes, for some people it 'helps' focus your pain if you have a physical hurt. For example during a particular time in my life I was a senior in high school and my father had had a heart attack, I had had a terrible fight with my best friend, my cat got hit by a car and my job was really sucking this was all too much at once, I felt overwhelmed with pain, anxiety etc and I couldn't organize it all inside myself so I cut....there...THATS where it hurts on my arm where I am bleeding. I committed to stop cutting and to work through my emotional baggage in a more productive way....CUE THE FOOD! I guess at least I am not physically scaring myself...wait except for the bloody stumps I call fingers...hmmm...well I am not cutting! (I acknowledge myself)

I am 30 years old today, I weighed in this morning at 233lbs an all time high for me and the jumping off point of my weight loss journey! I am tired....I am tired of being out of breath walking up my stairs, I am tired of being too wore out to play with my kids, I am tired of feeling like ass, my clothes not fitting me and looking in the mirror and hating who I see. I have always said "I need to lose weight so that I will look like 'normal' people", "I want to lose weight so I will be here for my kids", "Well everyone in my family is overweight and has diabetes so I KNOW that I should lose weight" revolution numero uno I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR MYSELF, MY HEALTH, FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! My husband, children, family and friends love me no matter what so doing this for them doesn't really make any sense but chickety check this out, I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT!! Do I? I have never really sat with this and given it a fair shot. ..............sitting..................sitting.............sitting........yes, yes, I think I DO love myself. Why else would I be so obsessed with comforting myself the way I do. Its like being a mother: we love our children SO much that we cant stand to see them hurt, sad or struggle so what do we do?? Naturally we try to make it all better but then one day we say to ourselves..."Wow these kids are outta control and running the show here....when did that happen"? It happened when we were fixing all of their problems and giving them a nice cushion to fall on when they made a mistake...what we didn't give them were the SKILLS to deal with their own issues! So, while I have been very motherly to myself it is now time for some tough love! "No more cushion ass, its all rocks and broken glass from here on out"!

I signed up today for a website called Sparkpeople.com which is a free website a new friend & supporter Michelle told me about. It calculates and keeps track of your progress, gives menus, recipes and tips as well as support for those of us who cant afford to keep fattening Jenny Craig's pockets! I am very excited and hopeful for my success! I even did my 30 minutes of Yoga Booty Ballet and have a half drunk (ie half FULL;))glass of water sitting in front of me! At first I felt like this should be a private thing, I don't want other people to know about or read about me and my issues but the more I thought about it the more I realized how many of us are sitting at home feeling the same way and wishing there was someone to help motivate them. My person happened to be Michelle and I cant thank her enough for this new found drive! I acknowledge myself for making this first step, for doing this for ME and for hopefully inspiring some of you to come along and join the ride!

GOAL: 199lbs by 5/17

Peace & Love
Ape