Hello my name is April and I am obese....that sure doesn't make me feel more inspired but they say that the first step in getting sober is to admit that you have a problem. Well I DO have a problem, I am not a druggie, not an alcoholic, not addicted to porn, gambling or sex...I am addicted to comforting myself in very self destructive ways, what can I say some people have a blankie, a stuffed animal, not me I am a nail biting, over eating, cutter from the hood. I know, I know this is no laughing matter - I SHOULD NOT make light of this serious issue but for me if I don't laugh if I don't make light of it then I fear the outcome. I have worked very hard on a lot of my 'issues' and am proud to say that I have not cut or done any physically self harm in over 4 years! (I acknowledge myself) People always say that they don't know how anyone could do that, they assume that you must be suicidal why else would you want to cut/hurt yourself?? Try this on for size haters - YOU all have your vices too! Do you overeat? Do you chew your nails, are you addicted to booze, the internet, gambling, church etc? WHY do YOU do this? Because, in a lot of cases, it gets your mind OFF of something that is bothering you, helps relieve your stress its a quick and easy fix. Well when you are in so much emotional pain and anguish and you hate yourself on a level that you cant understand sometimes, for some people it 'helps' focus your pain if you have a physical hurt. For example during a particular time in my life I was a senior in high school and my father had had a heart attack, I had had a terrible fight with my best friend, my cat got hit by a car and my job was really sucking this was all too much at once, I felt overwhelmed with pain, anxiety etc and I couldn't organize it all inside myself so I cut....there...THATS where it hurts on my arm where I am bleeding. I committed to stop cutting and to work through my emotional baggage in a more productive way....CUE THE FOOD! I guess at least I am not physically scaring myself...wait except for the bloody stumps I call fingers...hmmm...well I am not cutting! (I acknowledge myself)
I am 30 years old today, I weighed in this morning at 233lbs an all time high for me and the jumping off point of my weight loss journey! I am tired....I am tired of being out of breath walking up my stairs, I am tired of being too wore out to play with my kids, I am tired of feeling like ass, my clothes not fitting me and looking in the mirror and hating who I see. I have always said "I need to lose weight so that I will look like 'normal' people", "I want to lose weight so I will be here for my kids", "Well everyone in my family is overweight and has diabetes so I KNOW that I should lose weight" revolution numero uno I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR MYSELF, MY HEALTH, FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! My husband, children, family and friends love me no matter what so doing this for them doesn't really make any sense but chickety check this out, I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT!! Do I? I have never really sat with this and given it a fair shot. ..............sitting..................sitting.............sitting........yes, yes, I think I DO love myself. Why else would I be so obsessed with comforting myself the way I do. Its like being a mother: we love our children SO much that we cant stand to see them hurt, sad or struggle so what do we do?? Naturally we try to make it all better but then one day we say to ourselves..."Wow these kids are outta control and running the show here....when did that happen"? It happened when we were fixing all of their problems and giving them a nice cushion to fall on when they made a mistake...what we didn't give them were the SKILLS to deal with their own issues! So, while I have been very motherly to myself it is now time for some tough love! "No more cushion ass, its all rocks and broken glass from here on out"!
I signed up today for a website called Sparkpeople.com which is a free website a new friend & supporter Michelle told me about. It calculates and keeps track of your progress, gives menus, recipes and tips as well as support for those of us who cant afford to keep fattening Jenny Craig's pockets! I am very excited and hopeful for my success! I even did my 30 minutes of Yoga Booty Ballet and have a half drunk (ie half FULL;))glass of water sitting in front of me! At first I felt like this should be a private thing, I don't want other people to know about or read about me and my issues but the more I thought about it the more I realized how many of us are sitting at home feeling the same way and wishing there was someone to help motivate them. My person happened to be Michelle and I cant thank her enough for this new found drive! I acknowledge myself for making this first step, for doing this for ME and for hopefully inspiring some of you to come along and join the ride!
GOAL: 199lbs by 5/17
Peace & Love
Ape
You are an inspiration April. You have more courage than most people I've ever even met.
ReplyDeletesparkpeople is great - when the internet isn't too slow while I'm at work, I sign in too. I'll find you on there.
You can do this and you are not alone. You're right, we all have our vices - and you have the strength to not only face yours outright but to inspire the rest of us to get our shit together too. Thank you.
You are not alone. Definitely not alone. You CAN do this. You just have to want it badly enough. Stick with it and take it one day at a time. When I feel like giving up I look at my before pictures. I look at my kids. I look at my husband. I look at myself. You have to train yourself to think differently about food. It takes time. It takes commitment but you sound like you want it badly and that is all it takes. Motivation and commitment. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteThank you guys! I sure do want it and I have taught myself to think differently about so many other things that this shouldnt be too hard, the hardest part will be committing to it! I had a salad with a few sprinkles of feta cheese and a small handful of croûtons and water for lunch - fat free ranch of course! I have to admit that this morning when Isabella left for school and I started into the exercise I had probably 3 times that I wanted to just give up, I was hot, tired and felt like I wasn't doing it right but I just kept reminding myself of my goal and my commitment! I CAN DO THIS!!! <3
ReplyDeleteWatch out for the fat free/sugar free items though - sometimes the less natural they are, the worse they are for your body.
ReplyDeleteLOL I totally just posted another blog bitching about that very thing!!
ReplyDelete